madzeelyn

madzeelyn:

From his hug alone, I can feel that he’s putting everything out there. He’s not holding back, finding anything awkward. He’s the kind of guy that gives everything his all. His hug is comfortable. Strong but gentle. Kind and warm. Not too tight and clingy, but not too loose and fake. He’s not hugging me to hug back, but to give a hug. And his grip doesn’t weaken, no matter how long I cling onto him. He doesn’t give any hint of letting go, not until I slightly pull away. His hugs are the kind that you can just melt into.

…. This. Back when I used to actually write about my feelings have feelings.

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mahalkitax3:

There are many people who have successfully developed relationships with people they met online. But there are also many people who have become disillusioned and even betrayed by people they met in cyberspace. The danger is that for certain people, they’re naïve and ignorant. They’re hopeful of finding a special connection with someone, who virtually offers them a sense of intimacy where it doesn’t really exist. Maybe you’re just like that. Maybe you also thought “this person is perfect for me”, or “aww could this be the one?”Even if it isn’t romantic, and whether you met that person online or not, have some sort of distance. Before you take things any further, get to know him/her more realistically. How can you be so sure they’re really who they say they are? I mean, it’s so easy to lie to someone when you’re not really seeing each other eye to eye. It doesn’t hurt having your guard up once in awhile. Remember that.

It’s interesting to look back on your own personal posts just to remember how you felt and how much things have changed since then.

Getting to know someone is kind of like doing a puzzle. When you finish the puzzle it’s great to look at, but the real fun is in putting it together. You try piece after piece in the same spot and are wrong, but when you finally find the right piece you get the satisfaction of pushing it comfortably in place. Enjoy these moments. No need to rush to finish the puzzle, just take your time. When you first meet someone it’s the same way. While it is interesting to get to know someone new, there’s no need to rush it. Sometimes, the “getting to know you” phase is one of the best ones. There are no expectations. You don’t have to talk, but when you do and there’s a good conversation it’s nice. It may seem insignificant now, but the lack of surprise later on may make things boring and can create problems. So enjoy putting the puzzle together and take your time. There’s no need to rush.

It’s funny to think how much changed in two years. Just two years ago I was a freshman. I remember talking to this senior in my latin class and she was telling me about high school, or at least, her experience of it. She warned me about junior year being the toughest and senior year being the most fun. (It’s only October and I’m feeling the weight of junior year, ha.) But I guess it’s one thing for someone to tell you something and another to actually experience it yourself.

I used to be so naive. But she was really nice so I asked her questions. I told her about how I saw two pregnant students in one day and it was kind of strange to me. She said that it wasn’t that surprising, because people did stuff like that all the time. I remember her saying, “Honestly, most people come out of high school no longer a virgin. They lost it junior or senior year.” And I couldn’t believe that. Coming from middle school and not really thinking about things like that, I guess you could say it was quite a shock. I didn’t believe her.

Now I’m a junior and I know things I didn’t really know before. It’s funny to think that just two years ago around this time I had no clue. Now I totally understand how she says that. We talked a lot and she told me that she first had sex with her boyfriend as a junior. I didn’t really know how to feel when she told me, but I remember wondering how that was possible when you were so young. I didn’t think any worse of her though. I just was surprised that something like that happened to her so early in life.

It’s kind of strange now to look back at how I used to find that inconceivable, but my experiences now prove her right. I didn’t believe that the opportunity would come up at such a young age. Now I understand what she means. I can’t say “been there, done that” about my experiences, but I can say “been there, I’ll save it for later.” I already knew I didn’t want to look back at myself regretting being a teenager kid having sex when I was so young, so I set that rule for myself long before I ever had a boyfriend. (Teenagers are basically kids, too.) On a side note,

Having a boyfriend now—no matter how long—does not change that. If you set a rule for yourself you can’t just change it based on who walks into your life. Stay true to yourself. I’m a bit disappointed to see how some people are changing based on other people influencing them. Sometimes you need to think about things on your own. Go in your room by yourself and sit down and just think. What are my morals? What are my standards? What are my rules? The keyword is “my” or in this case, “your” because no one else can make your decisions for you, they don’t live your life. /endramble

I don’t think freshman me would be disappointed with who I am now, but I couldn’t say for sure. I think they would be surprised though as to how much I know and how all these predictions from people saying, “Oh, high school really makes you grow up,“ come true. I mean, it’s easy to say two years go by like that, but when you actually think about it, a lot can happen in two years. These past two years have been great. I have no regrets. It’s all part of a learning experience, right? Just make sure to learn from it.

And now, it’s time to finish my Klondike Bar. :D

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. No matter how someone’s appearance could change when they get older, they’re eyes never do. The eyes they have as a child are the same they’ll have as an adult. And perhaps that’s the reason they’re the window to the soul. You could change your hair, your name, your clothes, and your attitude—but it is still the same person behind those eyes.

I remember being seven years old and having an older cousin tell me that she wished she was still a little kid. I asked her why and she just told me that I’d know one day. At the time I couldn’t understand why she would want to be little again. Being one of the youngest of my cousins, I was always too young for anything that they did and I was always stuck at home with the parents while all the teenagers went out to the movies. As a child I was always in a hurry to grow up and catch up with my cousins. Then I finally did grow up, and now I wish I was still that little kid.

Little kids are oftentimes the most positive, the least biased, and the most forgiving. To make a new friend all you have to do is share your crayons or play tag together. Fights are over small things and never last more than a few minutes. Then you’re best friends again. Kids focus on fun things in the present rather than the negative things from the past. They’re fair judges because bias doesn’t exist in their world. They don’t know what stereotypes are, they don’t know how to judge someone based on appearance, and they easily forget the past if there’s an, “I’m sorry.”

Then time passes. The kids get older and people start to expect things of them, they get judged, or they notice how others treat each other. At first the kid is confused, they don’t understand why the lady at the store gave a nasty look to the guy with a bunch of tattoos. The little girl doesn’t get why the boys won’t let her play tag with them. And the older brother doesn’t get attention from mommy when the baby cries, but he gets a, “Not right now.”

Not knowing what to think, the kids continue to watch the world around them. And the way their mind works changes too; they start to become more observant and conclusive. They realize that people with a lot of tattoos are “bad,” that girls are “slower” than boys, and that they’re not a little kid anymore. They go to school and realize they have to impress classmates and be “cool” if they want to have friends. They learn new terms and typical judgments made about people that look a certain way. They learn how to talk.

With every year they learn new things until they realize that the world isn’t mostly made up of love. They realize why the wishes for world peace could never come true. They learn that people lie, cheat, and pretend, and in matters much greater than games. They learn about greed and lust. They figure out that just because someone acts nice to your face doesn’t mean that they are. They realize that they aren’t kids anymore.

And the thing about these innocent little kids is that oftentimes they don’t choose to grow up. A majority of the time they are forced to lose their innocence. The phrase, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,” applies not only to the ignorant, but also the innocent. The things that they didn’t know as children didn’t affect most of them, but now that they’ve grown up they’ve learned about all the world’s evils and problems. And once they’ve been shoved into the environment of the real world, there’s no going back. I guess you can’t forget something you’ve already learned.

So yeah, I’ve grown up a bit. I understand part of what my cousin meant. Hopefully you understand, too. Sure, I’m not an adult yet (thankfully) so I might not know the worst things people are capable of. But I don’t think I’ll ever wish to be that much older. I’ll do my best to enjoy each day of being a teenager, with all the drama and confusion of growing up that comes with it. We’re all only so young for so long.

It’s too good to be true. Everything I ever wanted, no exaggerations. If I had a list, you’d check everything off and even add a few wonderful things of your own. People don’t see what I see in you, because you’re totally different with me and them. I like that. I like how someone else could be funny but you still laugh harder at my jokes. I like how you hug me longest and tighter than them. I like how when I’m sad you know what to say to make me feel better. I like how you make me smile and you do it so effortlessly. But no one knows how special and unique you are. To them you’re just this quiet kid. And, at first, you were to me too. But not anymore. You’ve showed me an outgoing, silly, jokester, intelligent side of you that I know they’ve never seen. And if they knew about it, I know they’d love you too. I just find it astounding how someone could be this great and no one knows. You’re amazing and you’re all mine. I’m never this lucky. How on earth did I find you?

I changed a lot in 2 years. I realized this earlier when talking to an old best friend of mine on the phone. I enjoyed the conversation and found myself laughing and smiling, but acting completely different from the way I do today. Opposite maybe. But it was strange, because even though I was acting like someone I used to be, my laughter was genuine. I don’t know why but talking to them made me feel really good—i haven’t talked to anyone like that in a while. I kind of forgot where I was and what problems I have.
Then I switched and called one of my best friends now. At first it was strange, cuz I was still in “Hyper Madelyn mode,” but then I adjusted back to being the calmer me I am when I talk to him and I genuinely enjoyed our conversation as well. It did take a while, but nonetheless I was fine. I always talk to him and he never fails to make me feel better, so it wasn’t a surprise.
But it was weird. Now that I’m done talking to both of them I just don’t get it. In middle school I was this crazy, loud, hyper girl and I joked around beyond belief. The me now would get so irritated with my old self if they ever had a conversation. I’m older now and I don’t joke around as much and I’m not as hyper and crazy. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But am I supposed to be this different with different people? And how’s it possible that they’re both really close friends when they’re complete opposites? I’m just confused. Lalala. Okay I’m done rambling now.